November 11, 2015

Funny Business Quotes

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Ambrose Bierce

Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it, and that’s true anywhere in the world.
Andrew Young

I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, fine.
Barry Goldwater

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope

Need a good laugh? The following classified ad was listed in a sleazy business opportunities home page: “How to get one million people to send you $2.00! Method plus proof it really works. Rush $2.00 and SASE to…”
Classified Ad

There’s no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can’t do any business from there.
Colonel Sanders

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry

There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘check enclosed’
Dorothy Parker

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Earl Wilson

In the dog-eat-dog economy, the Doberman is boss.
Edward Abbey

Advertising is legalized lying.
H. G. Wells

Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.
Howard Aiken

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.
J. Paul Getty

We were hoping to build a small profitable company; and of course, what we’ve done is build a large, unprofitable company.
Jeff Bezos (1964-) U.S. Businessman

If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.
Joey Adams

Behind every successful man lurks a truly amazed ex-mother-in-law.
John Chrusciel

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson

Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
Karl Marx

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson

You don’t want another Enron? Here’s your law: If a company, can’t explain, in ONE SENTENCE….what it does….it’s illegal.
Lewis Black

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Mary Little

The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss’ voice on the phone.
Martin Buxbaum

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring.
Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Mitch Ratliffe

There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.
Peter Drucker

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost

I’ve talked to you on a number of occasions about the economic problems our nation faces, and I am prepared to tell you it’s in a hell of a mess—we’re not connected to the press room yet, are we?
Ronald Reagan

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
Ronald Regan

I don’t want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Samuel Goldwyn

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.
Scott Adams

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
Stephen Butler Leacock

How many people on their deathbed wish they’d spent more time at the office?
Stephen R. Covey

We don’t have a monopoly. We have market share. There’s a difference.
Steve Ballmer

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright

My son is now an “entrepreneur.” That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.
Ted Turner

The three most frequently told lies in the world… The cheque is in the post… I’ll still espect you afterwards ….. I’m from the Revenue and I’m here to help you.

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson

There are three cardinal rules — don’t take somebody else’s boyfriend unless you’ve been specifically invited to do so, don’t take a drink without being asked, and keep a scrupulous accounting in financial matters.
W. H. Auden

If you can build a business up big enough, it’s respectable.
Will Rogers

A budget tells us what we can’t afford, but it doesn’t keep us from buying it.
William Feather

In modern business it is not the crook who is to be feared most, it is the honest man who doesn’t know what he is doing.
William Wordsworth